Everyone else has opinions on Donald Trump. I’m British, but we’ve getting plenty of coverage over here. So, hey, why shouldn’t I join in the fun.

1. No, I’m not going to point and yell “fascist”. Yep, Trump’s egotism and nativism is somewhat 1930s jackboots-&-genocide, but fascism is mostly a boo word for bad people. You can safely replace “fascist” with “stupid ugly poopy-head” in most articles about the US presidential contender and – not only is it funnier – but it will read exactly the same.

2.  Donald Trump is an Alt-Right candidateHe’s not a conservative – he’s not conserving anything. He was a democrat. He comes from New York. What’s the best way to rile up New Yorkers? Sound a bit like a Nazi… His virtue signalling is against out-of-touch left-wing elites.

3. Yep, Trump’s freaking extreme. When Nigel Farage, leader of the UK Independence Party, says you’ve “gone too far”… You’ve probably gone a bit far. Never mind moving the Overton window – Trump’s smashed it, vaulted over the windowsill and is now running down the street outside, naked and painted purple (I’ll leave you with that image).

And yep, he’s an egotist. He ramps up the outrage, tests his insults on the fly and gets free media coverage (his biggest campaign expense has gotta be his hair colourist – at 69, he’d be the oldest US president in history) – but I suspect he believes at least some of his schtick. You don’t go single-issue  immigration by accident.

4.  He knows frick-all about Europe and, specifically, Britain. Trump said about Muslim communities in the UK: ‘We have places in London and other places that are so radicalised that police are afraid for their own lives’.

  • Muslims in London = 1,012,823. Or 12.4% of the population
  • Muslims in entire United States = 2 – 7 million. Or 0.9% of the population
Dear Mr Trump,

As a Londoner, I have faced on countless occasions a density of Muslims that would cause some of your supporters to reach  for a tac-nuke and an AK-47. I have faced them in the Ocean Estate, one of the most deprived areas in Britain. I have faced them on the down escalators in Stratford, Newham - among the top five boroughs in the UK for Muslim population. On Thursday I faced a lady wearing a mustard hijab, texting on a pink mobile, for three stops on the Docklands Light Railway in east London. I faced her unarmed and alone (except for the other 50,000 people crammed into the carriage).

I am MORE COURAGEOUS than Captain America. GIMME MY AWARD FOR BRAVERY, dammit!

Yours, former workie on a local newspaper in Tower Hamlets
(people in Tower Hamlets who self-define their faith as Islam = 35%)

[Or, Mr Trump, you could stop acting like the 35% of Americans who don’t have passports, and those who’ve visited London, oohed and ahhhed at Buckingham Palace for 15 minutes, and then got on a coach to Oxford].

5. Make America great? Sure, Trump wants to make Americans great at cowering under tables. The UK has seen approximately three successful terror attacks by Islamic extremists in the last decade, killing less than 100 people. Compare this to the 37 people hospitalised by tea cosies in 1999 alone. Obviously the only way to make Britain safe is to ban teapot ownership until someone works out what the hell’s going on. It’s not about coffee loving, it’s about safety.

6. Nope, I’m not trivialising terrorism. Londoners are used to terrorism.

1996 Docklands Bombing
1996 Docklands Bombing. Two people dead, £100 million in damage. I visited Docklands in 1997 on a geography field trip and saw the rebuilding work. Then – in 2008 –  I interviewed survivors of the attack.

7.  He doesn’t confine the stupid to EuropeTrump wants to deport ‘illegal aliens’ – of which he claims there are about 11 million. That’s about 3.5% of the American population, akin to deporting the whole of Portugal. Not getting sentimental about it – that could cost an estimated $400 – $600 billion, about enough to shield the exhaust port on a Death Star. And that’s before you get into how the frick you deport a Portugal-sized population ‘humanely’ (last time I saw ‘humane’ was describing a mouse trap. Trump evidently plans to lure anyone remotely Mexican into a big plastic tunnel and airlift it into the Sierra Madre Oriental) .

8. That said, he’s NOT the worst thing in the Republican primaries – sorry, Mainstream American Media. Never mind eat the poor. I don’t know where to start with Rubio’s tax cuts where – according to US think tank Citizens for Tax Justice – more than a third of the benefits (34%) would go to the wealthiest 1%. Or, in the case of Senator Ted Cruz, why not stop collecting tax entirely? That’ll benefit everyone – billionaires, ISIS, the poor, sick and elderly… (but, hey, Trump being mean to an attractive blonde news anchor… that’s the real story, right?)

9. And Trump’s not going to win the US presidency (probably). His 35% support is among Republican voters, who make up about 9% of the US electorate – the scale of Americans who believe the Apollo Moon landings were faked. Heck, Trump could probably pose in a white sheet waving a confederate flag and that ~9% would remain unfazed (and, nope, Donald, that wasn’t a suggestion).

Trump’s a celebrity. He’s got brand recognition. 68% of his backers would still vote for him if he ran as an independent – according to a Suffolk University (Boston) poll published Tuesday –  but he’s also got the highest unfavourability rating of any candidate, Republican or Democrat. 60% of likely American voters just don’t like the guy.

10. What all that means is…. I’m not getting my panties in a bunch over Trump.  And neither should the Mainstream Media.

[Hat tip to Whatever for the ‘List of Donald Trump’ idea]